REGRETS AND LESSON FROM DEATH BEDS: YOU LIVE ONLY ONCE - THERE MAY BE NO TOMORROW

                                     Thakur Ranjit Singh

As we age, we tend to commence viewing life with greater depth of philosophy. Organizing school reunions has been one way to meet older students we may not have met for many decades. 

Epics and history books are full of accounts of those who had regrets while on death beds. Here, Bhism Pitamah, on his death bed, mrityu shayya, bed of arrows, regrets things he could have done differently. This article is to make readers learn from mistakes and regrets of others.

D.A.V.College, Ba Fiji’s international reunions have been held biennially respectively in Canada (2015), Auckland (2017) and Fiji last month on 20 July, 2019. In recognition of age catching up, and death embracing many of our school mates, the 2017 Auckland reunion had appropriate philosophical theme, urging ageing mates to listen, be happy, smile and live life, as there may be no tomorrow - Suno, jiyo, khush raho, muskurao. Kya pata, kal ho na ho.

And the latest reunion in Ba, Fiji continued in similar theme – you live only once -yeh zindgi na milegi dobaara 

In my Ba reunion experience, it appeared many of our ageing mates from Ba did not reciprocate our desire to meet older students and share the love we had for our long-separated mates. Many did not seem to care, because they appear to be too engrossed with life and failed to take advantage of meeting old mates who may never again come to their hometown in another DAV reunion in Ba in their lifetime. Life is too short, hence we need to live life to full.

Live life while you can - too late to make mends on death bed. You will only have regrets.

I have echoed these sentiments in the new Fiji Hindi TV programme, LO KAR LO BAAT, on Apna TV in Auckland that runs on Channel 36 on Sundays at 5.30 pm. I just covered topic on elder abuse and gave inspiration for older people to enjoy stress-free life in their twilight years, without giving much thought to what others may think.

As I am also part of Waitakere Indian Association (WIA) Seniors team, I wish to share some thoughts with my ageing DAV School mates and with friends and relatives in the community who are sliding down the ladder of life. 

Coincidentally, I was fortunate to come across a NZ Herald article by author Bronnie Ware, who shared thoughts that I also carry – thoughts coming from death beds of those at end of their lives.

Too late to leave things for very late. Still time for you to learn from this article.

Bronnie is an author, an inspirational speaker, songwriter and mama to her daughter, Elena. She lives in northern New South Wales, Australia. She has worked in palliative care, tending to those people who were dying. She has worked closely with those having little time to live and noted their most common regrets in life.

I wish to share this with younger ones and my elder friends, so they learn some lesson and do not die with great deal of regrets.

Below I have enumerated top 5 regrets from people on their death beds. This is intended to make us wiser, so we do not repeat their mistakes.

Her TOP FIVE REGRETS OF DYING are as follows:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was "by far the most common regret".

"People were astonished by how much power they had given to the opinions of others - friends or family or society."

Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made, at times depending on what others expected them to do. 

In Hindi, we say… log kya kahenge, what others will say. This is the biggest folly and fear we have.

Please break away from this and do not give a damn to what others think - LIVE YOUR LIFE, AND TO HELL WITH WHAT OTHERS MAY THINK.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

Men especially are used to putting too much of themselves into their jobs – missing treasured family moments and not developing other areas of their life. 

Most men spent so much time at work that they missed seeing their children grow up, and had not spent quality time with their partners.

On their death, the employer will fill their position within days, but the vacuum he leaves in a neglected family remains for a lifetime.

To those younger ones too engrossed with their career -DO NOT WORK YOURSELF TO DEATH AT COST OF QUALITY TIME FOR CHILDREN AND FAMILY. You will be replaced within days of your death in your workplace. But the vacuum you leave behind in the neglected family will be there forever. So, please, SLOW DOWN -AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONES.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many had kept their true feelings to themselves over the years to not upset others. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. 

As a result, they settled for a second-rate or mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

Friends are invaluable when you are on your death beds-and more so while young and healthy. They give you joys and pleasure, living in the days gone by. Unfortunate are those who fail to come to meet their friends in school or family reunions.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Dying people often want to have some laughter about good old memories. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. This applies to the ones who fail to attend school or family reunions and fail to come and meet their old loved ones and friends.

Unfortunately, many of our Ba friends who failed to come and meet us, will pass away never having those fun time memories of schooldays and walking down those memory lanes. One of the regrets dying people shared with author Bronnie Ware was wishing they had stayed in touch with their friends, as shared experiences bring joy.

There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

"A lot of [patients wished] they had access to their old friends, so that they could have a little bit of light reminiscing."

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip, and this they regret on their death beds, like those missing their school or family reunions.

5. I wish I had let myself be happier.

"When people were looking back, they realised they'd chosen to focus on dramas or problems or challenges, when [they could] have actually blessed themselves with more happiness." In family reunions or gatherings, some dwell on what separates us (conflicts) rather than having unity, good time and fun. They will feel and act bitter, to regret later on death bed.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits of being nasty and loud-voiced. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. 

Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. Some grumpy old ones always wish to remain that way. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

This is well-explained by this Hindi song..khushiyon ki har phool se maine gumm ka haar piroya, pyaar tamanna ki jeevan mein, pyaar ko paa ke khoya…jab tak humne samjha... jeevan kya hai..jeevan beet gaya..

Translated it means…from flowers of happiness I always wove a garland of grief and sadness, I always wished for affection and love, but always lost them when I found them. By the time I understood what life was, alas, life had already gone.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Alas, many do not have opportunity to learn it before death. This article gives you that opportunity.

Express your feeling and your love, and say what you feel. Keeping pent-up feelings make you sick. Live,laugh, smile, be happy and enjoy life while you can. Too late to regret on the death bed.

LESSON FOR ALL

Hope this article will at least inspire one elder, one sexagenarian, just one person, to change attitude to life.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, and choose honestly. Choose happiness – and learn from others when they were on their deathbed.

So when you are on death bed, mrityu shayyaa, there may be lesser regrets.

Best wishes for a HAPPY long life.

[About the author: Thakur Ranjit Singh is a community and media commentator, and speaks truth without fear or favour. He runs his blog FIJI PUNDIT and is also the anchor of APNA TV’s Fiji Hindi programme LO KAR LO BAAT]

Too late to regret things while on death beds